Last night, at a dear friend’s birthday party, I drank one beer and smoked one cigarette. The beer was a Nugget Nectar and the cigarette was a Camel Light.

Before you think, “woah, way to party, lightweight” or even, “ew, gross, you had a cigarette” – calm down.

What I did last night is a big deal to me because I don’t drink anymore and I don’t smoke anymore. I spent about seven years of my life drinking and smoking pretty much whenever I could get away with it. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic – but I definitely consider myself someone whose life is infinitely better and WAY less complicated and dramatic without alcohol. At the end of the day, what I got out of alcohol (first a nice confident buzzy feeling, then feeling out of control, then headaches the next day, then “did I really say that” syndrome) just didn’t add up. It just didn’t make sense for me to continue to drink. And then I met my husband, who just does not drink. Not a drop. So that made the choice very easy – I chose sobriety.

I like sobriety. I really enjoy not going to bars on a weekly (ok, not even monthly. semi-annually, at best) basis. I like not having wine around the house, because then sitting on the couch and drinking a bottle isn’t a possibility.

The last time I had a drink before this was probably on New Year’s Day – my cousin is a very talented brewer and he made some amazing apple something, and I had a glass of that.

Last night, I just had a taste for beer. My hostess picked me out one of her favorite beers, and it was cold and delicious. It went down easily, and I liked it. Then I smoked a cigarette. Almost from the first puff, I regretted it. It tasted terrible. It felt terrible. It smelled terrible. By the time I finished it, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I will never start smoking again. It’s tempting, once you have smoked and quit, to toy with the thought of picking it back up again. That’s out of the question for me.

The beer was good, but I had no desire for a second one. Actually, I didn’t even enjoy it so much to be able to say that, I if I could do it over again, I’d have the beer again.

Last night, I drank one beer and I smoked one cigarette. It was kind of a bridge to my younger self, and she sent me a message: “I don’t really like this, so let’s not do it anymore.” I’m glad that we’re on the same page. I wish I could have realized it sooner – but everything happens for a reason.

you look like a balding william h. macy but you tried to comb your hair all weird to hide it. i did not hold that against you.

you smelled like old dude and left a wake of weird cologne/aftershave behind you. i only held that against you a little bit.

you clipped past me so many times, and even though it was just you and me on the track, you insisted on practically running into me every single time you passed me. i kind of held that against you.

and then i decided to stop holding in my farts.

sorry. i ate a lot of dairy today.

please, please watch this.

 

and then this.

levon helm died and tom petty kicked off his tour yesterday. i also listened to tom petty’s buried treasure radio show yesterday for the first time, and it was so happy and cheesy and great. levon, levon, levon. i saw him play just once, and i was utterly charmed by him. i knew he was on his way, but it didn’t make it easier to read the news. breaking news: levon helm dead at 71. breaking news: blackhawk helicopter crashes in afghanistan. a good thing goes away and a bad thing keeps right on thriving. i guess this is the burden of living, of learning, of feeling.

this is the burden of a poet. my eyeballs are tiny hearts.

i can’t be perfect. this is one of the only things i know for sure about my life. i can’t live up to the standard i think i should be able to live up to. only grammatically correct. see, i’m doing it again.

i was working on a treatise about why sewing is good for a perfectionist (because there is a RIGHT way to do it), but really, it doesn’t have to be perfect, so there I go again. i am so eager to box things up and draw broad lines and move items from column A to column B. but sewing can flow. you can adjust from mistakes on the fly. i am changing a pattern to make it work with the print of my fabric. there are things to be mindful of, but at the end of the day, it’s just like everything else: does it look good enough? what are you willing to leave and what wakes you up at 5 am thinking about how you can fix it? what do you care about so much that you are willing to say “we did it all for the glory of love” about how much you are willing to perfect it? because that is a commitment.

i want to weigh a healthy weight but i don’t want to live on celery and chicken breast and i don’t want to ever, ever, ever give up pizza, pancakes, and lounging about.

i want to have a job i love but i don’t want to be hemmed in by industrial greys on every side.

instead of being perfect, maybe i could just be the best i can be on whatever day i find myself rambling through. tonight i was sulking on the couch, skipping my workout AGAIN, wishing i had some friends here. i decided not to force myself to workout, but to do something positive for myself. write something, anything. something real, which is hard for me to do on this blog. but you know what?

this is all there is to know about me today.

This morning, I woke up while it was still dark out. I tried to get back to sleep for an hour. I turned on the fan. I flipped over. I got out of bed, went downstairs, came back upstairs, drank some water, got back into bed. Put all the covers on me. Got too hot. Threw out a leg to catch the fan. Got too cold.

Finally, I decided to get out of bed. Mr. Thor has to work today, so I will have 6 free hours to sew. But that time is already reserved for a specific project, and I have something else I want to work on. So at 6 am, I was in my craft room in my pajamas, cutting fabric. The iron and ironing board is in our bedroom, so I was pressing my fabric in the dim first light, trying not to wake up my husband. I pressed my 1/4″ seams open by feel, moving the tip of the iron against my fingernails to try to avoid a burn.

I almost finished what I got up to work on. I debated whether or not to do it, but then I decided it was the only way. I made a belt last night, and technically that is my first foray into the realm of making clothing. Although it’s in the accessory category, it’s still worn on the body. I made one last night, and although I was mostly happy with it, there were three mistakes that made it into the final project. Nobody but me would probably even notice them, but they were enough to have me up early, thinking about a good way to work them out of the next version.

 

So, I’m about to tackle the last portion of the belt, and I really hope that I am happier with Travel Belt 2.0. Then, I still have a few glorious hours remaining to work on whatever I want.

 

I am SO excited.

I’ve been sewing.

I love it.

Here is my sewing update for the year:

Beginning sewing (4 sessions): I made a pillowcase, a tote bag, and a drawstring bag.

Followup: I made another tote bag at home.

Zippered cosmetic bag class (one session): I made a lined cosmetic bag with a zipper.

Followup: I made two more at home. One was a modification included on the original pattern. I also finished up the sample coin purse that we made in class.

Big Bag Class (2 sessions): I am making a giant bag. First thing I have ever made that will remotely resemble a purse! 2nd class is this coming Monday.

Spring Tote Class (one long session): This is a 6-hour class that I am taking today. It’s a tote bag again, but with more oomph.

I am having so much fun finally creating tangible things. I am loving the focus and concentration involved. When I sit down in front of my sewing machine, the day flies by. I lose hours. I don’t worry. I sometimes work until I am a little too hungry because I have been so focused.

I am taking all of my classes at Sew You Can, and so far they have all been taught by Bia. She creates AWESOME and easy-to-understand patterns.

I know I have been silent for a long time, but I HAVE been working on my focus! 🙂

 

alternately titled, “stop saying negative things about yourself.”

when you tell yourself that you are fat and awful and that you look gross, you are hurting yourself.

stop it. seriously, i can’t say this enough – stop. it.

stop saying negative things about yourself. unless you are hurting others with negative behavior. and then, well, speak to that negative behavior.

you know your assets. you know your best parts. focus on those. this is the first step in the the well-known (to me, anyway) philosophy known as Rock What You Got.

If you don’t feel like you have any assets, try this little experiment: Look at yourself in the mirror every day for a few minutes. Look at yourself in a nice way, the way you would look at someone you love. Then say something like, “You are so beautiful” or “You have amazing cheekbones” or “looking at you is like looking at the dawn of time.”

whatever it takes.

and then, go forth and conquer.

and looking at you will be like looking at the dawn of time.