When I was in high school, my best friend and I became mildly obsessed with Cindy Crawford’s Shape Your Body video. The video was, to this day, probably one of the most difficult I have done. It nearly killed me just to do the thing all the way through. Plus, um… I was looking at a supermodel the entire time. A gorgeously perfectly perfect supermodel, who didn’t even break a sweat. Uplifting, is what it was. And it totally did not inspire any self-hatred in my overweight, scraggly-headed, stubby-legged self.

But the thing about the video is that it really paid off. If I could be disciplined enough to fight through the tears and frustration and do it for two weeks, my body shape literally started to change. The video got a bit easier. By a bit easier,  i mean a bit. Imagine trying to crack open a walnut with two fingers instead of one and you will imagine how much easier it got, even after two weeks.

But I clearly remember the best and most awesome part of the video. It’s the part where Seal’s “Crazy” starts playing. Holy crap, I just found it on YouTube.

Honestly. My goodness. When I watch this now, I wonder how I didn’t dislocate my pelvis trying to follow her form. Actually, I think I just dislocated my pelvis watching this.

The point!

The point is that, every time that song started, I thought, “OK. Now we jam.” Something about those lyrics, “we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy” just made it work for me. I was fat. I was in high school. I was desperate. I was in terrible pain. Not emotional pain, physical pain inflicted on me by Cindy Crawford and her evil minion, Radu. And I WAS never gonna survive unless I got a little crazy. I was never gonna survive to see the end of the video.

But Seal always gave me that shove. Those lyrics spoke to me. I have always remembered that feeling – the crazy place. The place where I know I must, can, and will do whatever it takes to get out of whatever I am in. The place where I know anything is possible, if I will just get outside myself and get a little crazy.

I heard an acoustic version of Crazy on my drive home last night, and I realized I am there. I have been pulling out all the stops and really, really trying to get to a place where I can say that I have the life I want. I am taking risks and initiative at work and at play. I am fighting for my health and my sanity.

And, of course, I am still trying to get skinny. I know I will never look like Her Royal Cindyness, but, well… I am crazy enough to try to get close.