I decided that I should probably dust off the old blog and write about what is happening over here.
Last month, I got an email that I had new results in my online medical record. I was almost a week out from outpatient surgery – a D&C to remove a polyp and see if I had fibroids. The procedure had gone well, polyp removed, nothing eventful except I had a hard time coming out of sedation. I completely forgot about the biopsy until I logged in to my medical record and saw “tissue sample” under test results. I remember thinking, “I forgot – the biopsy! Well I’ll see that this is normal and this whole thing will be behind me.”
Only, it didn’t quite go that way. Instead of something like “normal result,” I saw the words “endometrioid adenocarcinoma” and, sitting at my desk at work, I blurted out, “Oh, shit. That’s cancer!”
And I was off, on what my dear friend Cathy has accurately described as the roller coaster ride that is the cancer journey.
Right now, I’m home, recovering from a surgery that removed my entire reproductive system. I’m on another upward climb, every day part of a slow and jarring clack-clack-clack as I wait for the next event, the next crest and swoosh and rush: in this case, the pathology report that will come back 10 days after surgery.
I never knew that 10 days could be an eternity but here we are. I move from my bed to my recliner to my chair in the back yard to my bench on the front porch. I listlessly scroll Facebook for hours. I pull out the Fuck Cancer coloring book that my mother-in-law brought me and color for 10 minutes. I think about all of the stuff I could be doing with this time off, if my body was strong. I take short walks. I read support group posts, I research chemo and radiation side effects, and I freak myself the fuck out until I remember that I should live in today, just worry about the very next thing I have to do. For all I know, the surgery got all of the cancer and that’s that.
Mr. Thor said I need a distraction. I haven’t had much stomach for TV, but last night I started watching Queer Eye and that seems to be just about right for me. I figured writing might be a step in the right direction, even though I’ve left this blog to languish for so long I’m not sure if anyone is still reading. I’ll try to post more often.