The things that hold me back.
Lately, I have been suffering from a tad of anxiety. Nothing too serious, but when I tell you that I actually had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours because I was having chest pains, you have to promise not to freak out. I have a very nearly perfect EKG, or whatever it is, and apparently my left ventricle is not about to collapse. Or explode. Or otherwise cause death, dismemberment, or destruction.
It’s just a little old-fashioned anxiety.
So, I have been wondering what has me so dang stressed out. This has not been a fun journey for me, tromping through my inner life to get to the bottom of my procrastination and anxiety and just the general “meh”that seems to permeate my life lately.
I do not have a solid belief that my dreams are valid.
That’s it. That is the drumbeat in my ribcage. That is my dirty little secret. I believe that I am not smart enough, not talented enough, not charming enough, and certainly not convincing enough to wheedle my way into the places I would love to be in this life.
But today, I saw something that sparked something in me. A friend of mine on Facebook was posting some pictures she snapped with her phone. They were giant icicles, like prison bars. I clicked through them, simply in awe of the massive-ness of the icicles. They were huge. They looked so thick and so strong. Immediately, I thought that they reminded me of prison bars.
I liked the pictures so much, I clicked through them again. And this time, I looked beyond the “bars.” What a gorgeous night! I love that blue twilight time during the winter months. I’d love to just walk right out into the open and breathe it all in. It’s beautiful.
It’s on the other side of those bars.
That’s a ridiculous thought, isn’t it? It’s ice, not steel bars.
That’s what it’s like for me to think that I can’t get to where I want to be. The obstacles I face are small, (although they feel huge) and they are mostly in my own head (although they seem so real).
They are not truly obstacles. They just look that way. They are mostly fear, perfectionism, and self-doubt.
Moving forward is up to me, and it can take as long as I choose. I could reach out and snap those icicles. I could hold up a hairdryer and melt them.
I could wait until the sun shines and melts them away, if I am willing to wait that long.