So. Why am I so nervous?

I have been working at the same company doing the same job since August, 2008. The job seemed, at the time, like a good way to get a foot in the door of a decent company. The problem is that after all this time, my foot is just about to fall off. I have been stuck.

I really don’t want to get into specifics, even a few. Let’s just say that the things I hoped would happen never came to pass. And some other stuff started getting weird, and the environment changed for the worse. Add a one-hour drive at each end of my day, and I was completely fried.

I wanted out.

I begged Mr. Thor to let me take a massive pay cut and work closer to home. He ran the numbers and we realized that we could live on his income. We didn’t need mine at all. He said, “Why don’t you just work this summer, and then quit in the fall, before it snows? We can figure something out.”

I loved this idea, but then I felt guilty. I decided that I would tough it out as long as I could stand it. Since we didn’t need my income, I proposed that we start sending my paychecks to pay down student loans. That’s exactly what we did, and Mr. Thor’s loans should be paid off this year.

Then, at the end of August, I received the news that my plant was being closed down. I felt bad as I looked around at my coworkers and realized that so many of them were completely blindsided by this news, and were very upset. I had seen the writing on the wall and knew we couldn’t avoid closure forever.

My reaction was largely relief. I was relieved that I didn’t have to take some weird job in a mailroom just to get out of my current job. I was relieved that I didn’t have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop every single time we had a company meeting. I was relieved that my misery now had an end date: November 21, 2012.

I have pretty much just kept my head down since the end of August. I have listened to coworkers lament and then rebound and then get other jobs. I have looked a little bit, but I just see the same thing that I have been seeing in the job market for the past few years: my job isn’t out there right now.

Mr. Thor has encouraged me to really look for the right job, and not just take the first thing that comes along.  But he has also encouraged me to take some time to work on my writing, and my sewing, and everything else that I never have the time, energy, or drive left for after being out of the house for 11 hours a day.

It sounds like a dream come true to me. I will have the time to do what I always put off because I am too tired or sad to do it.

November 21 is really coming up fast, you know? And after that day, it will be Thanksgiving, and then we are taking a weekend trip. And then, the following Monday, my new job starts. My new job of job-seeker, writer, & sewer.

And I am more nervous than I was on the day I first got the news about the plant closing, when as soon as I saw the bigwig put on his reading glasses and look at the pad in front of him and say the words, “I am here today…” my brain just closed my ears and I didn’t hear another word. I knew what it was. I knew what he was saying, I could see him looking sad and sorry, and I noticed the silence around me, the sound of 90 people holding their collective breath. But I didn’t hear the words. Well, that day is back, it’s here now. It’s inside of me. The unknown is real, it’s black and looming.

And I’m very, very nervous.